相田みつを

Mitsuo Aida is a calligrapher and poet of Zen. Here is my favorite one.

・泣・

強がりなんかいうことないよ
やせがまんなどすることないよ
だれにえんりょがいるものか
声をかぎりに泣くがいい。
ただひたすらに泣けばいい。

Things that make my girl happy.

As I mentioned previously, Shoni hisses at everything. She hates being picked up. She generally doesn't like to be bothered. She just seems like she's in a bad mood 98 percent of the time. This actually reminds me of my own self. She used to be fine and played with Peach... but now it's so hard to find a moment she truly enjoys being around of Peach. [This breaks my heart.] I don't know what happened to their relationship.

Good news though :) There's a few things she loves.

She loves to be in my car. She enjoys night rides. I just don't take her out during day times because of my scary neighbor. When I take her out and put her in the car, immediately I hear her purring. She walks around back and forth non-stop. She rubs her face against me and gives me the hints, "pat me." She purrs as loud as possible and shows me how happy she is. She almost seems that she's on some kinda bad drugs. She walks and sits on my lap. Maybe being in the car is just her special territory. I found her on the street. The first place besides being outside was my car for her. When I moved from Arizona to Maryland [4 days driving,] she didn't meow like she's afraid of leaving her place behind. Soon she found something to do to occupy her curiosities. It didn't bother her a tiny bit being in the car. She ate, did necessary things like nature's calling, and slept totally fine. It's amazing to see how much she loves to be in the car. Unlike her, Peach hates car rides.

Another thing that makes her tremendously happy is the bathroom. I don't know if I mentioned this, but she loves water. I have no clue what's with her and bathroom, but she runs into the bathroom with full force when I go there. She again gives me the hints. A few seconds, I hear her loud purring. Seriously, she won't purr unless she's either in the car or bathroom. Tasty treats won't make her happy as much as these two things can. I sometime make fun of her and call her a perverted cat. She just likes to watch me doing the things I need to do :P As long as I pat her enough, she also doesn't mind me giving her bath.

Unconditinal Love.

[Migrant Mother, Dorothea Lange]

Mothers are incredible. The love, the support, and the care they have for their own children are unconditional. They will share your pain and happiness. They will always be there for you no matter what. Maybe it's exaggerated, but I know mothers [maybe I shouldn't leave out a paternal role.] will give their own lives to help their children.

I don't think I have done any of "oyakoukou - 親孝行" for my parents. [oyakoukou - be devoted to one's parents...] Maybe if I say this, it sounds cheap... but oyakoukou doesn't necessary mean getting some superfluous materials for them. I truly believe that being healthy and happy about my life are one of the things my parents want for me and my brother. Also, I'm not doing anything they don't appreciate me to... like being an alcoholic or prostitute.. so what I am right now counts as I'm devoted to my parents?!

My mother loves to chat. She can spend hours just talking about anything over the phone. I feel [but not that it is a duty] that this is one of the things I can do with her: listen to what she wants to talk about. It's not like she has nobody else to talk to... but there's certain things she doesn't wanna share with every single person.. like problems among family members. She knows we both don't judge each other no matter what. It is easier for her to share her stories with me.

I hope along these upcoming years, I can be there for my parents as they have always been here for me. I respect them with dignity and I am glad that they are my parents.

Secret Invaders

It is kinda gross to mention, but I have regular visitors at night in my bedroom. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing sexual.

When I first moved into this apartment last summer, I noticed ants crawling near the radiator by the window in the living room. They went away before I sprayed the pesticide. This summer, they came back. They are creeping by the bedroom radiator. It's simply egregious. My cats don't even get close to them because they bite. Peach accidentally stepped into the ants and he was making a funny move where he tried not to step on them. I was actually expecting Shoni to play with them.. but she seemed very indifferent about ants. What's worse is that there's ants with wings too. I really don't know how to get rid of them besides calling the maintenance folks [which I really don't want to]. It's weird that they appear only at night [some nights I don't even see them at all]. I have no clue where they are crawling into from. Hmm, what can I do to stop my secret invaders who are taking over my bedroom?

I don't know if this superstition is commonly talked about in the US, but this is one in Japan.

If you step on and kill ants, it will rain the next day. I have never been cruel to ants nor killed them before. I really don't know why they are doing this to me. =[ *sigh*

OK, confession... [I meant it when I said I didn't kill ants until.. this happened.] I sprayed Windex several times to kill them... They never give up and it is too blatant to see dozens of ants. The first time I sprayed, I noticed that before I swept up the dead ants, they were all gone. I truly thought my cats licked and ate them all up. That happened several times. Do ants carry dead ants' bodies and eat them?! Where did all dead ants go?? I gotta solve this mystery. xD

HonFest 2007.

I had monstrous fun at the Honfest on Saturday.

The Honfest is a friendly and little bit eccentric event which covers four city blocks on 36th Street in Hampden [located in the northern Baltimore]. It's one of Hampden's traditional events and it was the 30th year. I learned that Honfest is named after the "Bawlmer" warmhearted greeting "hon", derived from the phrase "honey." It is a term of endearment used by Hampdenites and Baltimoreans generally.

Women epitomized the 60's honey with the bluest eye-shadow, tightest spandex pants, leopard patters, pink and black clothes, biggest beehive hairdo and the sunglasses. You could also have gotten the full hon treatment at the Glamor Lounge. Only one regret I have is I totally missed the Hon Contest :'(

Hampden is the most wicked little city you could have ever been to. I was so glad to discover this community. I don't really know how to express it, but it has a totally different atmosphere compared to other communities in Baltimore. A lot of cool shops too ;)

"Many of its residents came to the area from the hill country of Kentucky, West Virginia, and western Pennsylvania , looking for work in the mills." Ah, maybe that's why they have this friendly greeting, "hon." The greeting brought back the memory of Kentucky... southern folks. I went to school in KY and the friendliness of people in Hampden reminded me of the state. Southern people tend to be more warmhearted compared to Yankees or northeastern folks. Hampden community has a lot of artists and other bohemians. As I already mentioned... this place has wicked people in its very own.. unique way. The instance we arrived there, I fell in love with the place.

[One of my all time favorite movies, Pecker by John Waters' was filmed in Hampden.]

Henna Neko

Peach is the best ;P

Perfect vs. Imperfect

[ image from website.]

Nobody is perfect.

Everyone is with flaws whether it's good or bad. Each individual has its own strengths and weaknesses. That makes everybody a human. It's natural to have these things. If we don't fail at anything at all, we would be like programmed robots. [Thanks to the word, Tom :P] Weaknesses make harmony in human relationships where people help each other and compensate for ones' missing parts. If you are free from faults and nearly perfect, I would say, I'm almost scared of you. Having weaknesses is not equal to failing at things. You are not a failure just because you couldn't achieve what you dreamed of or tended to do. You fail at things if you don't try at all.

Lately, I feel that if we don't control what we could be able to is almost the same as failing. ["Failing" might be too harsh to use..] You are the one who let it happen when you knew you could do something better instead. For instance, eating healthy is your choice. Eating unhealthy is also your choice. You can control situations. I'm not saying you should have self-discipline all the freaking time... I hope you get the point. If you feel guilty doing stuff afterwards.. why would you let it happens? Nothing is an ideal scapegoat. It's always temporary. If you know you are doing something you don't want to do, why won't you put the energy into a different direction. If you don't like the situation, just change it. If you can't change the situation, leave it. If you can't leave it, try to get help. There's always someone who cares about you and wants you to be happy.

Everyone says, "things happen for reasons." Surprise.. but I do believe that. Even thought it is painful and makes me suffer.. I appreciate these times when I struggle. It makes me grow and become a better person. I am not afraid of failing because I know there's always someone who's looking after me. These people help me if I make mistakes whether they give me advice or just simply listen to my problems. I feel at ease knowing I have them in my life. We learn more things by making mistakes than being perfect. Struggling is a part of life. If we never suffer, there won't be any time for improvement. We struggle because we want to make our own lives better. We need to realize that it's time to change things. Never blame things on others. You know you are responsible for your own life. Nobody is making your life hard. You are. You can change it if you aren't happy.

"The road was empty, like so many roads we have driven on in my life."

You are the driver and have to chant the magic words :3

You are the painter who cherishes your own life and good deeds. Nobody will make your road full of meaning.

After all, everyone is weak and imperfect. That's why we have each other's back. As we struggle, I'm always here for you. [I feel that I am serious today like a monk.]

P.S. Let me make you cry instead of making you laugh :)

Obsession with Blood.

FYI, I'm not a vampire ; ]

Cultural differences are amazing. If you ask any Japanese people, you will more likely get the answer of what blood type they are. Almost all Japanese are aware of their blood type! "Beginning in approximately 1930, the Japanese embraced the idea of matching personality traits with one's blood type. This phenomenon is as popular in Japan as the idea of matching horoscope with personality is in the States."

Seriously, I don't think I've ever met a single Japanese person who doesn't know his/her blood type. If you check out Japanese actors/actress/singers' profiles.. they list what blood type they are. Everyone knows it. Everyone also "believes" his/her actions and behaviors are due to their blood type traits. I sometime think we are brainwashed about how each blood type is "supposed to" act. Consciously people know the blood type traits.. and without thinking about it.. we act like them?! I'm sure if we didn't know the general idea of each blood type, we wouldn't act like what is written. It's just my 2 cents.

Anyway! Back to my obsession :3

I was even crazier about blood type back in 2000-2003ish. I happened to have SO MANY type AB friends and they started talking about: "If there is one AB person, they tend to gather unintentionally!" It was true though. I started asking around all the Japanese people at my school.. 2/3 out of 30ish Japanese people were AB. They seemed to know a lot about their own traits. It fascinated me so much and I wanted to know more, especially about AB. One of my best friends is type AB. She told me she's a typical one.. I don't exactly know what a typical AB is. She said an AB person is very two-faced in a good [?] way. They are extreme, love or hate. The majority of her friends were either AB or O. She said without knowing... she became friends with people who all happened to be type AB. Maybe they say they are two-faced.. because of their extremes?! I really don't know. I forgot.. which one.. Either A or B, AB can't get along with at all.

Can you guess which is my blood type?

Just in case if you are curious about the general ideas of each blood type:

Type O: [ O is most compatible with O, and AB ]
Type O's are outgoing, and very social. They are initiators, although they don't always finish what they start. Creative and popular, they love to be the center of attention and appear very self confident.

Type A: [ A is most compatible with A and AB ]
While outwardly calm, they have such high standards (perfectionists) that they tend to be balls of nerves on the inside. Type A's are the most artistic of the blood groups. They can be shy, are conscientious, trustworthy, and sensitive.

Type B: [ B is most compatible with B and AB ]
Goal oriented and strong minded, type B's will start a task and continue it until completed, and completed well. Type B's are the individualists of the blood group categories and find their own way in life.

Type AB: [ AB is most compatible with AB, B, A and O <- IMO, not 100 percent true :P ] Type AB's are the split personalities of the blood groups. They can be both outgoing and shy, confident and timid. While responsible, too much responsibility will cause a problem. They are trustworthy and like to help others.

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional. And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week! Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality. This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil. You are most compatible with: everyone! Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

How Sinful Are you?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 40% Pride: 20% Sloth: 20% Wrath: 20% Gluttony: 0% Greed: 0% Lust: 0% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14% You will die in a duel.

My Tropical Island Wish.

I really don't know why, but I want a Sago Palm so badly. There's a lot of things I wanna get right now, but Mr. Sago is the winner and has been No.1 on my wish list. Sago Palm is not necessarily cute nor a comfortable looking plant to have in the house. I just like its "fugly-ness." You know.. there are these types of things... you don't like, but can't totally hate?! Sago Palm has this weird charm that captured me the moment I saw it.

"This very symmetrical plant supports a crown of shiny, dark green leaves on a thick shaggy trunk that is typically about 20 cm in diameter, sometimes wider." To me, it has the silent agreement of its own: I'm evil. Don't get too close to me, otherwise I will hurt you. The leaves are sharp and thick. The only concern I have is that my cats might get hurt. They love to destroy plants. The last few plants I have had were eaten by Shoni. I have been wanting to have big plants for the house.. but my dream hasn't come true for the past few years.

As I was browsing the websites, I found funny facts about Mr.S. It is technically not a palm at all. It looks like one of them though. Its scientific name is Cycas revoluta [ Sago Cycad ] and "it is a cycad native to southern Japan." Oh snap! A palm looking plant is native to Japan! It just brought back some memories. When I went back to Japan last summer... my mom and I had a little cycling trip to my grandmas'. The area they live is slightly warmer than where I live!? [ Well, it's just about an hour bicycle ride distance. ] When we passed the old historical city hall building, there were a lot of palm trees. I could be wrong.. possibly these palm tree looking plants weren't even palms and in a disguise form :P. I totally thought the sago palm I saw was a palm.. so.. yeah anything is possible, eh! I was quite shocked when I saw the plants back in Japan. I lived in Arizona before I went back to Japan. Seeing palm trees in AZ is nothing strange. It suits the area: dry and hot.. did I say HOT?! Where my parents live is the southern island, Kyushu, but still I could never really picture Japan having palm trees until my recent visit.

I want a Sago Palm.. but it better stay "young and small." I already got two little mini-dinosaurs at my place. "No Thank You!" for anything from cycad dinosaur era. I don't want a huge palm looking plant taking over my cozy place.

The Loco Plastic Connoisseur.

Since my last two posts were either off the topic or lost the track of what my blog is about, I would like to have a happy, funny [ sarcastic and evil a little? ] story again =] I'm very sorry if in any way I offended anyone who read my American/Japanese perspective entry.

Since I mentioned about one of my cats, Shoni, in the first post... I wanna introduce you to my other one, Peach :) Shoni is the Queen of Hissing, yet the laid-back Peachy never stops giving love to her. Oh gosh, I have been together with these fun-loving, energetic mini-monsters as a little family for about 2 years now. There is a lot of funny and heartrending stories about this little boy. I have to say, Shoni has been very fortunate not to have anything painful to be told.

He's one of the sweetest cats you could ever meet in your life. Even if he is mad at something, he will never stop purring for you. He always has this "big motor" on no matter what's been done to him, including my little mischievous plots to capture him. [ I'm not that evil, I swear! ] I know he doesn't appreciate my over-rated affections from time to time. I just can't get enough of him. I love to hold, pat, and pay a lot of attention to him [ of course, to Shoni as well. ] Unintentionally I feel I am fattening my kitties with tasty treats s-l-o-w-l-y!

I wanna talk so much about him, but I don't wanna bore you with these stories.. and I am sure you have heard some of them already. I just recognized one thing.. Someone once told me not to mention cats in general. He said he lost his cat and didn't want to be reminded. Now.. I think I know.. he simply didn't wanna hear my never-ending cat stories. He meant, "I'm so sick of your cat stories. Would you shut up!" Ha ha. This is how much I love to talk about my babies.

Peach has this weird habit. He is crazy about plastic! I swear to god he's like the person who can tell what is good or bad wine just by smelling them. He can distinguish which plastic is tasty to bite or not. If a certain type of plastic won't satisfy his taste buds, he moves on to the next target. There are a lot of bitten plastic victims laying around the house. I don't understand why he loves plastic so damn much. I've never seen Shoni enjoying plastic the way Peach does. Peach is my boy though: he loves the plastic wrapper of the straw I use to drink my "black fizzy drink from 7-11." I normally get an extra when I get the drink.. Bum! He's one happy boy. He plays with the straw and bites the wrapper until he gets bored of it.

I sometime feel I understand how he feels about plastic. I used to like to bite straws. It won't give me any taste, but just biting them made me feel satisfied? I guess we both are bananas about plastic.

The Bitch That I Am.

[ selfish cunt from website ]

When I really feel I am hurt, there's someone else who is even more hurt than I think I am. I hurt people without regard to my mindless actions and words. I need to stop feeling so victimized. I need to stop being so selfish for f*ck's sake. Open my eyes and think of my significant other before I care too much about myself.

I am sorry.

Times when I feel I'm still very much Japanese.

I am not completely right-winged or an extreme loyalist to my own country. I hope you won't get the wrong idea just because I've posted the Japanese imperial flag.

I guess living overseas won't change who you are or the way you think of things so much.

One point, I thought it did to me.

Every time I go back to Japan, my friends tell me I've been so Americanized/Westernized. They don't think of me as one of these Japanese people. It is funny to me. I am still the same person as I always was and very much Japanese when it comes to thinking about things. My culture and the way I feel and think is Japanese. Then what is the Japanese way of thinking? What is the American point of view? I know and agree that social structure and function affect people.

Lately, I saw Clint Eastwood's two movies: "Flags of Our Fathers" and "Letters from Iwo Jima." It is technically the same plot: the battle of Iwo Jima and raising the flag on Iwo Jima. The only difference these movies have is that one is American and the other is the Japanese perspective of the war. I normally don't enjoy war movies.. but when it is associated with Japan, I give it a try. I like to know more about my own heritage and history. [ even if the storyline is fictional. ]

I didn't enjoy "Flags of Our Fathers." Maybe it focused too much on how the 3 surviving flag-raisers were used as the US government propaganda tools to lift the morale of the American people and stuff their war chests. I felt the American way of being loyal to your own country is not giving up on your life. They will talk about they will die for their country, but getting the fame and becoming the war hero seemed more important. I don't know much about how these American soldiers felt, so probably it is a better idea to keep my big mouth shut. To me, Americans = saying glorious stuff > actions.

On the other hand, I empathized with the people in "Letters from Iwo Jima." I actually started feeling maybe because I am Japanese and could almost feel what they felt. Of course there were a lot of ups and downs during the movie. The old Japanese way of "how to be a loyal to your own country" fascinates me in some degrees. I don't totally agree with their ideas though. I probably won't take my own life how they did. I believe that committing suicide is not the honorable way for the country. It was so sad to hear the soldiers saying "permit me to die with honor with my men" over and over in the movie. My belief is to not take your own life because you feel you failed at something. To continue fighting would better serve the Emperor and country. It applies to everyday life: keep fighting until you are burnt out, so one day you will achieve what you want. Death is never better than escaping or saving your own life. OK, now I feel I'm lost. I don't think this was my whole point of wanting to write about these two movies. It's so different how loyal we are right now and how they were back in war times. People are not as loyal as these soldiers who died for the country. Rather, people like my generation waste their lives just because they are not happy with one thing or more in their lives. Committing suicide is more like a trend in the Japanese culture now.

These two movies were directed and produced by the same people, but yet I felt more comfortable watching the Japanese perspective one. At the end, I realized I am loyal to my country. Do I feel I'm so Japanese? Maybe a little.

What's with you and the tasty Zebra-C!?

copyright.. whoever took this picture.

My friend, Will, has been talking about this mysterious cake for the past few days. I've never heard of it nor tasted before. He's really making me want to try it. When he talks about it, I close my eyes and picture myself having a big bite of the cake.

I think it's sort of fun imagining how things would taste like when you have absolutely no idea about them. Is it fun? Uh.. No. I would like to say yes, but.. no. I get obsessed with things very easily. I now feel I'm on a mission to go buy this mysterious cake, a.k.a. Zebra Cakes, to save my sanity. According to him, it is a delicious [ more like.. heavenly ] yellow cake with creme filling. It is covered in white icing and trimmed with fudge stripes. Ah, that makes sense. Yeah. That sounds like a piece of zebra.

As I was typing this entry, I found Zebra Cakes on the internet. In fact, I knew and have seen it before. I guess the picture of zebra on the package always scared me... so I never wanted to try. I stretched my imagination far beyond what exactly the mysterious Zebra-C was. I had ideas of it being made from scratch like the cakes bakeries sell. Now I have a better idea of what it looks like when I go to the stores.


Words of advice from Will: "kick the crazy lady in the baby maker."

Entree 001

My crazy neighbor scared me to death.

This lady is so weird. She is very obsessed with getting mail every day. She comes out and chats with the mailmen when they deliver mail. I know there's nothing wrong with it. One time she knocked my door for longer than 20 seconds constantly 7 in the morning. [ not just once.. several times. ] She just didn't want me to miss my package from my mom. I appreciated that.. but come on.. she doesn't have to knock my door that loud and long. Gimme a break. It was 7 in the morning too. Her way of knocking the door is very obnoxious. It describes her personality perfectly. She's not a snoop, but like to know what's going on around her territory. I'm not normally this mean.. but she got on my nerves fairly well. I know it could have been annoying to go pick up my package or wait for the mailman to drop it off the next day. I don't mind doing it though. I did mind her trying to have some sort of business with me. I like to have my own privacy. Well, I'm sure some people are wondering why I was so annoyed.. This is nothing and people would think she was only being NICE. This happened to me more than once, so I guess I got pissed off. I also think there was something about her way of knocking the door.

So yeah.. trying to make me not miss my mail wasn't the main point of how strange she is. One afternoon I was sitting in my living room. I heard.. someone saying "here kittie kittie kitte.. I see you." One of my kitties, Shoni, was sitting by the windowsill. I sort of ignored it first.. rather, I thought it was cute hearing a little girl trying to talk to my cat. Dang, this girl didn't give up. She goes, "here kittie kittie.." for more than 30 minutes. I was amazed. Out of curiosity, I wanted to see which girl was saying it. I peeked through from curtains.. WA!! eye to eye.. I saw my crazy neighbor trying to "scare" my cat. I closed the curtains and started walking backward very slowly. There's some moments you wish you have never seen.. it was exactly like that. I just wished.. and tried to tell myself that it was a little girl who was saying that to Shoni. I was scared from what I just witnessed. Her voice.. it was like a 6-year-old girl from a nightmarish dream. Shoni is very friendly. She normally meows back at people who try to talk to her or just simply walks away. Literally, she was frozen at the windowsill. She tried not to make any move, so she won't be eaten alive.

Why do I feel so evil as I am writing this. Is it because I am?

My nightmare came back next morning.. I heard it again.. "here kittie kittie kittie.." I didn't want to know what was waiting for me behind my curtains this time.